I belong to several prayer groups, political interest groups and leadership groups. I realized recently that they all have something in common. As the parents have taken a strong stand for righteousness against evil, they have paid a price. In almost every group the majority of the parents now have an adult child who has cut off the relationship. Do you fall in that category? Or do you have a friend who does?
In 2022, Newsweek reported on a study from 1997 which explored family relationships in later life. It revealed “7 percent of adult children had cut ties with their mother and 27 percent from their father.” In 2020, research showed that 1 in 4 Americans are estranged from their families—roughly 67 million people. That was two years ago. The number is even higher now.
The article in Newsweek gives a clue. It consistently placed the blame on the parents. While there are certainly parents who are narcissistic, toxic, or judgmental, the same could be said for some adult children. Issues are never completely one-sided. The bottom line is people are people and wounded people, wound people. But there is actually more to why this is becoming such a predominant phenomenon.
A July 2023 article in “The Hill” reinforced those numbers stating, “Recent studies, articles, and hot-selling books have hinted that young America is rejecting the biblical adage, ‘Honor thy father and mother,’ along with the attendant concept of compulsory kinship. Instead, young adults are picking who will populate their families.” The unusually high increase in these broken relationships between parent and children reveal a supernatural root; Satan’s determination to divide the family by creating offense.
Malachi 4:6 prophesies, “He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction.” Satan’s goal is certainly the total destruction aspect. But God is about restoring families. The battle is on and the crisis is everywhere.
One couple I know had a son who had turned to drugs. That lifestyle and habit controlled his behavior and everything that came out of his mouth. Although they knew it was the drugs speaking, it didn’t curb the pain they felt from his hate-filled words or the fear that filled their hearts when they went months without hearing from him. Another parent said they only heard from their adult child when he called and was on the verge of being kicked out of wherever he was living. An alcoholic and diagnosed as bi-polar, he blamed his on-going bad choices on his parents and the dysfunctional home in which he was raised. Yes, his parents had absolutely made mistakes. It was a “dysfunctional” home. But where does the blame stop and the accountability for their own choices begin? Another parent expressed how close they had been to their daughter, until she married. Then suddenly, the relationship changed. Her husband moved their daughter to another city and for months they didn’t even know where she lived. Now when they do hear from her, it is only to be told how toxic their relationship is.
This is not an excuse for abuse by parents. But at the same time, perfection by parents is an impossible standard. Most parents live with their own tormenting thoughts of “I wish I had done better!” Any parent knows there are many places we missed it. But beating yourself up over past mistakes that can’t be changed is not a productive use of time.
There are two important things to recognize. There is a spiritual root working to destroy families and relationship’s with our children. Schools are working to create that divide. The media and society are working to create it. For older and adult children most often it is over political or religious beliefs. Honestly that is nothing new. As children grow to adulthood, all will go through the season of exchanging their parent’s beliefs in which they were raised, to determining their own beliefs. A large % will often discard their parent’s beliefs, to prove their “adulthood.” Ironically, many eventually return to the beliefs in which they were raised at some period. Those who don’t often see the pattern reversed after their children grow to adulthood, and reject the beliefs of their parents reverting back to what their grandparent’s embraced.
But what is different now is how relationships are being obliterated. The percentage inches towards 30%-40% of adult children who have cut off relationship with their parents. Society stirs this pot of offense encouraging the present generation to “choose your own family” with things like Friendsgiving which became the rage a few years ago. It encourages a break of tradition, that rather than spending the holidays with family, to create your own “family” of choice. That to be “healthy” it’s better to cut off relationships than learn how to work through conflict.
As I was praying for friends who are walking through this painful issue, the Lord took me to I Peter 4:12-13. It is my word to you today, “ Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation. (NASB 1995). What are the sufferings of Christ? For one, He was rejected by His children. We live in a world that has rejected God as their Creator and Father. That has cut off relationship with Him, name-called and walked away from any association with God and/or the Church. We are told not to be surprised…but to rejoice. It goes against the grain, but it is where we must begin. (Note: If this is not an issue you are facing, please pray the prayer below over someone you know is in this situation, even as you pray over your own relationships with your children, nieces/nephews, etc. for protection from this divisive spirit.)
Father, Your ways are higher than our ways and your thoughts higher than our thoughts. You said that we shouldn’t be surprised, but to rejoice when this kind of testing comes upon us. And so by faith and through obedience, I rejoice in that I can share in Your sufferings. You have repeatedly experienced the rejection of the World You created. You have experienced the pain of judgment, blame, misunderstanding and criticism by those You saved, blessed and provided for. As I experience this pain, I know it is just a fraction of what You have endured and continue to endure. And so I offer the sacrifice of praise in this painful time and thank You for the opportunity to share in that suffering so that in the end, we can share in the rejoicing and revelation of Your glory. I declare that we will see the hearts of the fathers turned back toward the children and the hearts of the children turn back to the fathers. Were the world is seeking to bring greater divide and destruction of the relationship between children and their parents, we declare restoration and healing!
Lord, forgive us where we failed as parents. For mistakes known and unknown that wounded our children. We pray Your healing balm into their hearts where they were wounded by our words and/or actions. In those areas where we do not know the issue, You do, and we trust You to bring healing. Nothing is too difficult for You. I declare that we will see our children, the work of Your hands, in our midst. That they will glorify Your name, return to You and will stand in awe of You. That where they have erred in mind they will know the truth and where they have criticized, they will accept instruction.
We declare the door of pride that has opened the door to offense and deception be closed now and replaced with humility, forgiveness and love. Lord we bless our children and declare they will fulfill the call of God in their lives to fulfill their identity and destiny in You. Heal the heart of every parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle or person who has experienced the estrangement of their child, family member or friend due to their stand for righteousness. Lord give them strength to not give up. We declare that the prodigals are coming home. That our sons are coming from afar and our daughters will be carried home. So we will see and be radiant and our hearts will rejoice!
Is 55:9, I Peter 4:12-13, Micah 4:6, Heb 13:15, Jer 32:27, Is 29:23-24, Is 60:4-5